I’M ALIVE AND ON FIRE…

Well Well Bon Temps is heating up this season.. I was worried after the first Episode but Episodes 2- 4 have amounted to UNMITIGATED DRAMA

YES THIS IS A NEW UPDATE.. THAT UP THERE is an old pic lol.. i like it.. NOW…

Recap Sofar: 1-3

Sookie is still a fairy has been away from Bon Temp for like 2 years and every thing in the town wants to either eat or fuck her,  nothing has changed.. except her fucked up visit to fairy land. and her life without Bill Compton..

Tara has been found cage fighting and carpet munchin in N’Awlins.. she had to get away ya’ll …. then there is a whole bunch of other shit going on…

Full re-cap

Deep Breath: So.. Eric Northman buys Sookies house in an attempt to gain ownership of her delicious “fairy” ass, he goes as far as to build a state of the art cubby in her basement.. but it really doesn’t matter at this point, because he tried to who ride on this group of Wiccans.. (which included dick whippedLafayette, his thing Jesus, and newly appointed lady lover Tara.).and demand they stop meeting since word was on the streets that these bitches had brought a dead bird back to life… This doesn’t sit well with those who are *dead* Eric is sent by KING BILL to handle it and BOOYA..the head Witch Bitch Marnie cast a HELL OF A SPELL, on Sheriff Eric turning him from the sexy powerful tyrant to a demure , childlike vampussy.. . UH OH.. *stayin in line with the books*

Bill Compton who is now the Kang of Louisiana ; he rules with an iron fist .. issuing The True Death willy nilly and gettin his fuck on in the usual Vampire like way…OOhh Bill.. smh.. he still struggles with his love for Sookie.. but knows nothing is happening.. He takes up with Portia Bellefleur the attorney who handles his business.. I don’t like her.. but she is fiendin for ole’ Bill’s situation which he graciously obliges.. 

Bonus: Bill as a goth/punk in the eighties.. his british accent was #Swag Go Cockney..

Detective Bellefleur is a straight up V head and Sam has taken up with a crew of shifters.. His brother Tommy on the other hand has taken the place of Hoyt at Mrs. Fortenberry’s residence.., seeing as Hoyt is still carrying on with vampbaby Jessica therefore he was  disowned by Marlene. Tommy settles in as Hoyt #2 as he heals from his Sam Merlot issued gun shot wounds.. He proves to be still skanless though as he has been discovered to be lying about his injuries as he also plots to steal Ms.Fortenberry’s property and profit from the Natural Gas Reserve’s offer to pay her 10,000 per acre for her  move..  He needs Sams help and quite naturally Sam says Hell Naw Tommy you ain’t shit.. stop scamming, This doesn’t sit well with Tommy as he screams his hatred for his brother Sam.

I’m tired of you actin like you better than everybody…

Alcide the Werewolf is back with his fine ass but he bought crackhead Debbie back with him as she is now, a jesus loving , drug free , werebitch THAT TRIED TO KILL OUR SOOKIE….anyway I digress. We sit through the sexual tension “tweenst” Alcide and Sookie as she requests to get help keeping the now newborn Eric Northman… Debbie makes her change her mind as she runs in to greet Sookie with Vienna Sausages, and pickled some shit or other.. SOOKIE figures this is not the best place for Eric as this bitch damn near drained Bill dry of blood last season..

Lafayette , Tara, and Jesus the spiritual shit starter beg for mercy from Pam who is on the rampage after discovering what has happened to her “maker” Eric.. Well actuallyLafayette’s ass begged, as he remembers the dark circumstances of Eric and Pam’s evil dungoeon, while Tara and Jesus come to the rescue with wooden bullets and shit to save him.  .Pam still let’s them know .. You have 24 hrs to fix this shit or I AM GOING TO FIND , FUCK AND EAT ALL 3 OF YOU.. they knew she wasn’t playin.. So they need to figure out the spell so they can fix Eric.

Poor Jason Stackhouse is getting the Pantherdick fucked off of him, as Crytal and her Meth crew deem him Ghost Daddy and tie His ass to a  pissy bed so that ALLL the females can fuck him to get pregnant.. I believe the man is going to die of dissentary or some shit ..THAT IS A NASTY ASS MATTRESS ugh.. anyway.. armed full of panther bites, Mexican Viagra, and probably a mean case of crabs.. there he sits fuckin , spewin, and itchin.. STUCK TO MAKE WEREPANTHER BABIES in HOTSHOT  with “Crystal.. I’ma be the Mama of your cubs ” *blankstare*

Pam has had enough she is not playin, she has already threatened to Find , Fuck and Eat , Lafayette, Jesus, and Tara if they don’t find her maker and the witch that cursed him and she also thinks Bill wants to kill Eric , hence the hiding of him at Sookie’s place.. 

.. umm let’s see Sam is tryin to holla at this horse chick and the serial killer’s baby is doing weird shit too..

btw ..thought it was cute how Sookie was at the kitchen table reading a Charlaine Harris novel.. Pretty sneeky sis.. !!

Okay so now we are at Episode 4- I’m Alive and On Fire

How many retired Kings do you know?

We left the previous episode with Eric sucking the fairy life out of Sookie’s fairy godmother “Claudine”.   He becomes drunk with fairy blood , acts crazy, slaps Sookie’s ass, and is able to frolic in the daytime and swim in the sun.. though he doesn’t glisten like Edward *pause* .. ok .. so Sookie has to call Alcide so he can turn into a Werewolf and track Eric’s scent as she knows the fairy shit is only temporary and his ass will surely burn to “True Death”.. O.K.. they find him take him back to the house. btw SOOKIE SURE IS AROUND ALOT OF BUTT NAKED ASS lol.. i mean damn.. Alcide could get it .. ok i’m back..

The Scooby Doo Crew (Lafayette, Tara, Jesus) trek to Marnies to try to pry this damn chant or incantation from her ass.. They try to infer to her that they don’t want to be fucked and eaten by Pam so please bitch stop playin and give Eric His shit back.. Lafayette demands she “call the bitch up on the goddess line and reverse the fucking spell”   Marnie of course can’t remember because it’s some spirit that fucks with her that does that spell.. she is not the talent.. It’s the witch that she summons from somewhere..  Finally after much ado they find some kind of chant and put the plan together.. Pam meets them in field and cusses them out during the spell reversal sans Eric Northman,  the process gets fucked up , makes the spirit bitch witch appear through Marnie and do some fucked up shit to Pam’s face.. Something about “See what you truly are or some shit lol”.. Man.. Pam is now half a corpse.. THE VAMPIRES ARE HOTTER THAN FISH GREASE NOW..

Marnie: The Bad Witch

Jason Stackhouse escapes the Meth Lab with Panthers on his tail and poison in his body..He does kill that damn Felton.. but boy is he fucked up .. LOL Crystal lets him know she will be awaitin come moon-turnin.. lol..  He is found by Hoyt and Jessica.. Lord have mercy..

Sookie tells her first lie to Bill to protect Eric , who is hidden in her house and Bill finds out from ole girl from S.O.A.P, that he just fucked his great great grandaughter LOL.. #vampireproblems LOL.. hey that sucks!!! Word to Robert Guillame..

Those are the issues I am focusin on I am sure Bon Temps  was full of shit tonight that was on your mind.. BUT THESE ARE MY FOCAL POINTS LOL..

“My brother husband just bites me on the back of my neck.. “

Okay so diagnosis so far:

Lafayette!! no dick is good enough to get caught up in this bullshit… Witches come on now brah…

Sookie you need to stop bullshittin and take down that young Werewolf Alcide, and kill Debbie that bitch is trouble..

Sam go on and link up with the Pussycat Doll looking Horse Lady

Tommy take everything from Ms. Hortenberry I ain’t forgot about that racist revelation 2 seasons back.

Bill please eat Portia I don’t like her..

Tara… U looking good girl..that Asian chick and that number 32B dark is working for u .. ok.

Get rid of that damn “It’s Alive” baby that little fucker is 3 months and wrote Baby Not Yours on the wall.. HELL NAW.. it would have to go..

Now remember “I am living the life of rigorous honesty here”.. so I’ll catch ya next week ya hear..

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